I don't know about you, but I'm DONE with all those invitation-only sample sale websites. DONE, I tell ya! Waving their half price restaurant deals in front of my nose. Taunting me with their heavily discounted luxury goods. Sending more emails than my friends and family combined. I'm on an unsubscribing rampage:
Buh bye Rue La La! I rue the day I ever gave you my email address.
Gilt Groupe: GOOD BYE!! You are guilty of being annoying and borderline stalkerish!
Groupon: Well your deals are just too good, I might just stay on a bit longer.
And when I finally click that unsubscribe box of liberation, the companies instantly send me an email letting me know they've received my request to unsubscribe! I guess our little unsubscribe arrangement isn't getting off to such a good start, is it?
For the first 31 years of my life, I was completely perplexed by the care instructions "cool iron". It might as well have said "Just don't wrinkle" (Similar to "Dry Clean Only", which in my world means "Don't clean. EVER."). I always wondered if a cool iron had ever actually worked for anyone. I could barely get my piping hot iron to get the wrinkles out of my clothes, and now I was supposed to use a cool iron? And then there was the even more puzzling "cool iron under cloth". HUH??? As if the cool iron weren't ineffective enough, let's add another layer of something to remove it further from any possibility of actually doing anything at all! Great idea!!
UPDATE: I've since googled "cool iron" and done a bit of asking around (How come I never did this before?), and it seems that "cool iron" actually just means putting your iron on the lowest setting (which will still be warm). Very confusing! NOT COOL!
For many years I went to a hairdresser whose name was Destiny*. And you can imagine how much confusion/fun that caused! Some examples:
Scenario 1: "Uh, yes. Hi. I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to cancel my appointment with Destiny on Friday" (this is my favorite! I had to make this phone call while I was at work, and I couldn't get the words out without bursts of giggles)
Scenario 2: Friend: "Wow, your hair looks great! Did you get it cut?"
Me: "It was Destiny"
Endless misunderstandings and confusion, and seriously it NEVER gets old!
*Ok, so that wasn't her real name...She works at a hair salon, where they are given stage names like Jasmine, Athena, Ocean. But she was Destiny to me, I tell you!
A NOTE FROM MY BFF JILL FROM 1992!!! Oh Jillie! You are one of my oldest and dearest friends...Thank you so much for letting me post old notes from you! I must have hundreds of them saved, and they are all silly and fun and crazy and amazing. I'm just glad this one didn't say "D.S.A" (don't show anyone) on it, because I just posted it for ALL of the world to see. Don't worry everyone, Fifth Grade Journal Friday will continue next week. Off to Florida for the weekend (Gosh, I hate when people say "Off to _________". So pretentious! But seriously it just felt so good!) to visit some of my favorite people in the world: MY PARENTS!!! YAY!!
The only thing that would have made last Friday night better is if someone had been giving away unlimited bulldogs, chocolate chip cookies, and one way tickets to Melbourne Australia...But seriously, the night was pretty darn amazing as is! The weather was magnificent, the city was bustling, everyone was in a great mood! INCLUDING ME!
My friend Michelle and I started the night off at our favorite restaurant Frankies Spuntino. I usually get the Gnocchi (it is out of this world! or "from another dimension" as my cousin Nadav says), but this time I went with my other favorite, House-made Cavatelli with Sausage & Browned Sage Butter..Oh BOY was it good!
After dinner, we decided to walk from the lower east side over the Williamsburg Bridge to our next stop: Brooklyn Winery (Only a few blocks from the Bedford L train stop. Such a cool place!). My new favorite jazz band Lapis Luna serenaded us with luscious sounds of vintage jazz and swing (they even did a cover of the 80's song "Dancing with Myself". AWESOME!). It was pure magic! My friend Gemma (check out her blog!) and her friend Farrah joined us soon after, and good times were had in the photo booth. THERE WERE PROPS!! What more could you ask for?
BEST NIGHT EVER!! It's nights like these that remind me why I love NY!!
I know you've been there: You're rockin' out to your favorite tune, belting it out like there's no tomorrow...when someone starts pointing and laughing uncontrollably at you...because you've totally screwed up the lyrics in a way you never knew was possible. Embarrassment! Shame! How many people have you incorrectly serenaded through the years? Is the likelihood of messing up lyrics directly proportional to how cool you think you are when you're singing them? I'm pretty sure it is!
Here are some of my favorite lyrical disasters:
Salt N Pepa "Push It": Instead of "Ah, Push it! Push it real good!", I thought it was "Ah, BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT real good!". I remember thinking I was so cool singing those swear words, in the middle of Marshall's discount department store, with my mom bargain shopping just a few racks away. Actually, now that I think of it, if the first definition on Urban Dictionary is correct, "BULLSHIT real good" is much more appropriate for an 8 year old to be singing!
One song I messed up for many years was Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes": Instead of "I look at you and I fantasize", I thought it was "I look at you and I dance on sight". I always imagined Johnny Castle from "Dirty Dancing" being so blown away by Baby that he was inspired to do an instant tap dancing routine! Check out the correct lyrics at the 40 second mark:
Another adorable mistake was in the Carpenters "Top of the World": Instead of "Your love puts me at the top of the world", my Mom always thought it was "You're a cookie at the top of the word". How cute is that? Moms! Cookies! It doesn't get any more adorable, does it? Check out the correct lyrics at the 1 minute mark:
I can't be the only one with all these misunderstood lyrics! Please feel free to serenade me with your own!
I came home Friday to find Jose's business card shoved in my door, and let me tell you, I was intrigued! I didn't know what service Jose was offering at all (I thought maybe there would be more info on the back of the card...sadly it was blank), but I I knew I wanted Jose to do it for me. Is it an airport transportation service? Moving van? Whatever it is, Jose's the man!
You're probably wondering why I blocked out his phone number. Well, if I divulge his contact info to ALL of my readers, Jose won't have any time to help ME with whatever service he offers....and that's just not fair! NO WAY JOSE! I found him first (Actually, HE found me)!
UPDATE: I tried calling Jose to find out more about his business, but no one picked up the phone. You would think with the huge response Jose would be expecting from this campaign, he would have more people on hand to field calls. Oh well!
I recently read an article in New York Magazine about a new online dating service called findyourfacemate.com and let's face it, I was intrigued!! Here's the premise: Using facial recognition technology, the website matches you up with partners who have similar facial features/structure (you can then sift further through those matches and find people who have similar interests/values to you). Apparently, we are more likely to be attracted to people that look like us. I sooo signed myself up! The full site should be launching later this month. I'll let you know if I find someone, I'm sure they'll be adorable!
P.S. Is anyone else really disturbed by the photo on this post? I ran it by a few people before I posted it, and they didn't even know how to put into words how it made them feel. Eventually, the words "disturbed", "creeps me out", "speechless" were mentioned. I really don't even know how to process the image myself!
Ok, so I don't want to get too excited, but I'm pretty sure my BIG BREAK is just about to happen! I was recently contacted by an online dating website to see if I would be interested in having a first date (with someone from the site) filmed for this ad campaign they're doing. HECK YEAH I'M INTERESTED! With all the ridiculous things that happen to me on dates, there's NO WAY someone's NOT going to offer me my own reality show after they see this! Maybe I'll even fall in love and we can have our first date on film. What a great "how we met" story to tell the grandkids!
One idea for my reality show:
photos of Sam and Brian by Alexis Winslow
So back to the ad campaign opportunity...I went to the production studio yesterday to do a 5 minute on-camera interview. It was really fun! As you can probably tell, I really enjoy talking about myself and my bizarre dating stories, so this was the perfect place for that.
I'm sure there are LOTS of people "auditioning" so I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but you never know! Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted...
March 19th, 1991....A day of regret! It will go down in history as the day I almost got to wear Travis's football jacket, but didn't. So SAD! On a more positive note, I'm happy to see I was handling my relationship in such a mature manner, at such a young age. Whenever you have problems with a boyfriend, it is ALWAYS a good idea to have your friend call him up and see if he's mad at you. It's all about open and honest communication! DUH!
Does anyone else have this insuppressible urge to call them "Florence and the Hendersons" instead of Florence and the Machine? It's one part Florence Henderson, mixed with Harry and the Hendersons, with a dash of Florence from the Jeffersons. You can't even imagine the movie poster I have concocted for this in my head (well, actually you can because see below for one possibility). I seriously have to stop and think about the correct band name every time I want to talk about them...which is a LOT because I LOVE their music and am going to see them in June in Central Park. YIPPPPPPEEEE! And Twin Shadow is opening for them. OH YEAH!!
My coworker Alexis told me a horrifying/hilarious story today. One that is every New Yorker's worst nightmare. She was dining at a restaurant in Brooklyn (name withheld because honestly it could happen anywhere), when a cockroach LANDED ON HER FACE....then it ran down her neck and she caught it in her hands. I don't want to be all "ME! ME! ME!" but please don't let this EVER happen to me (especially on a date!)! I can't imagine anything more horrifying...After she "took care of" the cockroach, she continued eating and didn't even complain to the waitress. Now, THAT is a woman dedicated to enjoying her meal. Must have been some good Pad Thai!
It all started with a fruit man on 28th Street and Fifth Ave. I used to swing by his fruit cart every morning on my way to work. Things were good for years. They were real good. But all of sudden that changed. He started selling me fruit with bruises, trying to convince me to buy more apple than I wanted. I felt cheated. I knew it would never work. I needed to start seeing other fruit men. The seed was planted and there was no turning back.
This was not going to be easy. I still had to pass this ex fruit man every day on my commute to work. I got a pit in my stomach every time i walked by him. ESPECIALLY since I was holding an incriminating black plastic bag filled with the ripe fruits of another man. I had heart palpitations. What would happen if our eyes locked? Would it drive him bananas to see me?
In time, I started seeing a fruit man on 23rd and Broadway. Things were amazing. He understood me like no other fruit man ever did. He would recommend new fruits he thought I would like. "Don't buy those peaches, they're not sweet enough for you". I was the apple of his eye. Unfortunately my relationship with him was doomed from the start. Soon after I started seeing him, I moved to a far away neighborhood (the Upper East Side), and he was no longer on my way to work.
It has been years since these fruitful relationships, and although there have been other fruit men since, none could ever compare. I mostly buy my fruit from the supermarket now. It's slightly more expensive, but much less complicated. And you can't put a price or fruit sticker on that peace of mind!
Ahhh....I remember a time when postage stamps were just 25 cents! And now they're up to a whopping 44 cents (and constantly increasing)....So when the US Post Office introduced the Forever Stamp, my life was changed, well, forever....
In a world of uncertainty, I know I can count on you, Forever Stamp. Since you first walked through that door in 2007, I knew things would never be the same. You had me at Forever. You are a guardian angel watching over me, as prices continue to soar. I turn to you, Forever Stamp, to send off checks that I for some reason cannot send using my bank's online Bill Pay. If I need to send out a thank you card, I know you've got my back. There's no envelope you wouldn't adhere yourself to for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. Words cannot express what you mean to me. It's you and me forever, Forever Stamp!
special candlelit dinner, adapted from a pic by Frerieke
Tangled headphones are so 2010! Goodbye time sucking untangling and frustration, HELLOZIP BUDS!! How cool is this product design? Haven't yet tried them out to see if they are as good in reality as they are in theory, but love the idea! Also wonder about sound quality and if they'll fit/stay in my ears....I'll report back!
Woah! That first paragraph is CURAAAAZY! I don't have any clue what I was talking about, nor do I think people every actually called me either of those two names (at least not to my face).
Awww, so disappointing that I never got to slow dance with Travis! Biggest regret of 1991. What a Duckwad I was! I wonder what song they played for the slow song. Was it "One More Try" by Timmy T? That song always used to move me to tears. Just in case you forgot, here it is:
I still find that song to be incredibly emotional. And Timmy T definitely wins the Best Lip Syncing and Outfit Award of the week! Whatever happened to him? I cannot for the life of me understand why he was a one hit wonder....
Mmmmmmm...This weekend I went to Roberta's in Bushwick, Brooklyn for the first time and let me tell you, it was some darn good pizza! I decided to go with the classic Margherita. If there ever was a time I didn't want to share my food it was then (Sorry Jess! Just kidding, I really didn't mind sharing with you!). The dough was fluffy, and the mozzarella was as fresh as a coat of paint on a newly painted house (so fresh!). The ambiance was just perfect! Babies were smiling, people were laughing... and on top of all that, they serve you beer in adorable little mason jars! It doesn't get any better than an afternoon at Roberta's. If I could eat there for breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day I would! And it's only a short walk from the Morgan stop on the L train....Enjoy, people!
Ok, I've decided that when it comes to music, anything band that has the word "Twin" in its name is awesome! Let me explain....While I was in Melbourne (are you sick of hearing these words yet? Melbourne! Melbourne! Melbourne!) My cousin Nadav introduced me to two bands that I am absolutely obsessed with: Twin Shadow and Twin Sister. Twin Shadow has an electronic 80's sound, and Twin Sister is more ethereal and mellow, but they are both AMAZING!!! Listen for yourself...
In addition to the word "Twin" making all music amazing, adding the word "Lady" has a similar effect: Ladyhawke, Lady Gaga, "Lady Daydream" (as the next song is called):
I couldn't find an official video for this Twin Shadow song, but this is even better:
BTW, that's me to the left in the "Twins Rule" pic and my twin sister Marian is to the right. Awww, sisterly love...How cute are our matching outfits? And love the intense model pouts on our faces. America's Next Top Model, here we come!
Two things happened last week to make this blog post possible: 1. My co-worker Alexis was out of the office, and 2. she left these "just ASKING to be photoshopped" bags of Polyester Fiberfill by her desk (which I must walk by at least 100 times a day). I tried to ignore them but they kept calling out to me "Photoshop me!", "Don't you think someone else's face would look GREAT on me!". So with a little help from Photoshop, I made my dreams a reality! I left the bags by her area for her to discover when she came back to work. Her reaction was worth more than a 1,000 bags of Polyester Fiberfill! Can you tell which one is Alexis? I'll give you a clue: It's the one in the middle!!
Gosh, he looked cute in that pic (Sorry, I covered up his face to protect his identity. But trust me, he was adorable!)! And how hot are those lasers in the background? I always wanted lasers in my school photo background, but my Mom always made me go with that classic blue background. But I'm not bitter or anything!! (By the way, I wrote down the roses comment in 1992 but this journal entry is from March 11, 1991).
Oh, Australia! In some ways, you're so similar to the U.S. but there are times I feel like I'm in a completely different hemisphere! hahah...Here are some of the highlights:
WHO'S DRIVING THAT CAR??? Ok, i get it: Down Under, the steering wheel is on the right side of the car, not the left. My brain knows this, but it never fails to freak me out when I look over at what I think is the driver's seat and I see someone sleeping...or a small child...or a dog.... Panic ensues! "That person isn't even watching the road!!!", "Is she REALLY old enough to drive???", "Does that dog know how to send emails too??"
KILOJOULE SCHMILOJOULE! One of my absolute favorite things about Australia is my complete lack of understanding of their Nutritional Info listed on food products. Instead of calories, Aussies use kilojoules. I have no clue how it converts and I don't care! Ignorance is bliss! Hmmm I wonder how many kilojoules were in that packet of tim tams I just ate? OH WELL!!
THE GREAT TOILET DEBATE: In Australia, all toilets are dual-flush with two buttons to choose from: a half flush or a full flush (the purpose being water conservation). Technically the half flush is for liquid waste and the full flush is for solid waste (you can read more about the dual flush toilet on Wikipedia), but I really don't think it's that simple! Each time I go to the bathroom (I'll spare you the details!), instead of just a simple flush, I encounter an agonizing toilet decision. Will only a half flush be enough to take care of things? If I use a full flush, but only a half flush was necessary, will I waste water and does that make me a bad person? It is an endless struggle!
This song will make you feel Sassy with a capital "S"! My cousin Nadav reintroduced me to the joy of Erykah while I was in Melbourne, and my morning commute (a 20 minute walk through the streets of Manhattan) hasn't been the same since! It is IMPOSSIBLE to listen to this song and NOT shimmy down the street. I think I even winked at a few people! What songs make you feel Sassy?
There's nothing that irks me more than being forced to breathe in other people's farts. So you can imagine my disgust on a 20 something hour flight to Australia. Absolute torture! 20 hours of fart inhalation! One big giant fart flying across the Pacific. As IF I didn't know you were farting. That loud plane rumble might disguise the sound, but it does NOT cover up that smell! You pretend to be engrossed in your book, but I know there's a whole lotta farting going on. You think your blanket acts as a barrier...but it's no match for all the farts! Go to the bathroom if you need to fart. They have a WHOLE ROOM set up for these sorts of things. Please, let's all work together to make the skies a little friendlier!
