New Favorite Bar in Town (It's a TIKI LOUNGE!)

Actual bird found in drink Saturday night!

At last, I've found it: the bar I would go to every Saturday night if I could! A place where you're guaranteed to have fun and happiness and laughs and some of the most innovative and delicious drinks in town: Painkiller on the Lower East Side. It's a TIKI LOUNGE!!! I ended up there on Saturday night and oh boy was it refreshing! This place is KITSCHY!! The drink menu looks like a Chinese Food Delivery Menu (not sure of the relevance but loved it nonetheless!). There were drinks of all different kinds: some served in pineapples, others with pipecleaner birds perched on the edge of the glasses, a few were even lit on fire. And if you are lucky enough to get into the back area, there are are booths where you can sit with your friends and gush about how lucky you are to live in a city that has awesome tiki bars like this one!!

Missed Connections Are Awesome!

Am I the only one who's ever glanced at missed connections on Craigslist.com in the hope that some knight in shining armor I met in passing was looking for his beautiful princess (me!)? 

Last May, my cousins and I ventured out to 23rd street and 1st Ave on a mission to see Manhattanhenge. While we were there, I met a nice young man who looked just like Edward Burns. I don't know if it was the big ball of fire in the sky or what, but I really felt something between us! It was all very rushed, and no info was exchanged. But I definitely checked missed connections online the next few days to see if he was looking for me (he was not! BOOOOOO!!!). This is what I ASSUME he would have written:

You have to check out this adorable blog inspired by missed connections. The illustrations are absolutely beautiful!

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-Learning Negotiation Skills

 

Ahhh, the year was 1991, and I was just beginning to master the art of negotiation, and develop my appreciation for funny boys. I somehow managed to convince the the boy I liked to PAY me money to tell him who I liked...And $5 wasn't enough, yet $10 seemed to be the magic number. I wonder what my pricing strategy was. Did I have a specific toy in mind (a bedazzled slap bracelet or Super Nintendo game perhaps?)? Or maybe this was my attempt at playing hard to get? Either way, as you know Travis and I eventually became "boyfriend and girlfriend"...But things didn't stay blissful in loverville forever. Stay tuned, in the next week or two, I will include a recap of all the women Travis "dated" (I use this term very loosely!) after me....

BTW, if I remember correctly, I ended up giving him that money back!

Golden Rule of Facebook Tagging

As soon as I get that alert email from Facebook letting me know someone's tagged me in a pic, panic sets in. What now? Which unflattering moment is now being broadcast across the newsfeeds of all my friends and family? I know you probably think it's a cute pic of us, but that's because YOU look amazing in it! Did you even GLANCE at me to see what I look like? Because I'm pretty sure if you did, there is no way you would call more attention to this pic.

I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to untag myself. In fact, Not only am I going to untag myself, but I would also like you to remove that pic from the world wide web entirely. I don't need that photo showing up in Google images or some ad in the Czech Republic. Thank you so much!

Here's a general rule to follow: If I look like ANY kind of "before" picture, please don't tag me! The golden rule of Facebook tagging should be adhered to at all times: Tag unto others as you would have others tag unto you. To help you remember all this, I actually put together a little poem:

Sorry to nag,
But please don't tag
If I look like a hag,
Or if you see anything sag...
Only if I look like I should be on a cover of a mag.

What do you think!? Pretty catchy eh? And you thought my poet days were gone!

Here Come the Waterworks!

THINGS GUARANTEED TO MAKE ME SHED SOME TEARS

-Watching or thinking about the movie "Beaches", or listening to "Wind Beneath My Wings"
-Any situation in which I am unable to eat some type of food I was excited about (This happened once when I was still living at my parents' house. My Mom cooked the most delicious chicken, and I couldn't wait to eat leftovers the next day...Until I opened up the fridge to see that the last piece of chicken was gone. My sister had eaten it. I couldn't hold back the tears. Seriously, I cried!! I've never cried about chicken since, I don't even like it that much. Must have been some good chicken, GO MOM! I also once came close to tears when the local salad bar was out of my favorite candied walnuts. I'm telling you, that salad was NOTHING without the walnuts! NOTHING I tell ya! Oh, and if a restaurant is out of my favorite dish, I'm most likely going to cry! I'm sure I was dreaming about that dish all week, and I can't handle the disappointment)
-"Terms of Endearment"
-Pretty much every episode of Oprah
-Chopping an onion (love my BFF Lilly's approach: wear goggles!)
-Computer/iPhone trouble
-"Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan
-Boys
-Any trip to Kinko's (especially back in my college days during some high pressured design project..."Sorry, we bound your book upside down and inside out and spilled coffee all over it, oh and your font won't load and doesn't even exist (cue Twilight Zone music))..."

What Not to Wear At Trader Joe's If You Don't Want People to Think You Work There

If you're going to wear a Hawaiian shirt at Trader Joe's Wine Shop, I'm going to assume you're an employee...I'm sorry, but there's no avoiding it. This happened to me this weekend, I asked a guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt if he worked there...It turns out, he DID NOT, and he looked at me like I was crazy. YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE, guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt at Trader Joes!!

Throwing Your iPod into the River is Bad

There are only so many times you can "mistakenly" drop your iPhone 3G on the ground before you admit to yourself that you secretly want to break it so you can get a shiny new iPhone...One that doesn't take five hours to type in a search query...One where apps don't quit more than actually work..I'm pretty sure I've dropped my iPhone at least 5 times within the last month... OOPSIE!

This isn't the first time I've had trouble keeping my iPod in pristine condition....There was that time I mistakenly threw it into the East River while I was running (True story!)...My hand got caught in the cord and before I knew it, the iPod was being tossed deep into the depths of the river. I swear, it seemed to happen in slow motion. I'm pretty sure I cried out "NOOOOOOO!" (and considered contacting the Coast Guard). There was also that time I accidentally spilled a bottle of water inside my purse, and my iPod was completely zapped.

I will be eligible for a new phone in August, but I've heard rumors a new iPhone is being released in October, so I might just wait for that. YIPPPPEEEE! I just hope I don't throw this one into the river. Fingers crossed!

A Letter to a Soap Opera from a Thirteen Year Old Hopeful

I am about to make your day! I promise!! There is NO WAY what I am about to share with you will not make you laugh out loud, and possibly shed a few tears! This is one of the few times in my life I am so grateful I didn't send a letter I wrote....And now I am putting it out there into the universe to bring joy to people that might be having a rough day....I swear, the following letter is REAL! I REALLY wrote it, and truly intended to send it. ENJOY!!!

I love that I included my address. I must have either thought they would write me a letter back, or just show up at my house and try to woo me in person! Completely understandable!

And to think, had I actually sent this letter out, it could have been the start to my acting career. So many lines left unsaid, so many autographs left unsigned. Alas, no regrets!

Eye Opening Product

Feast your eyes on this ad for Latisse, a product that makes your eyelashes grow longer. I couldn't believe my eyes!! I'm sure it's a great product and all, but seriously the ad really creeped me out. The photo showing the eyelashes at week 16 was absolutely horrifying. Although, if Claire Danes is endorsing it, I guess it can't be too bad? Right now, I only have eyes for Mascara!

AWESOME BLOG!

A few months ago, my Aussie friend Laura told me about a blog called 1000awesomethings.com, and now I can't imagine my life without it (I'm hoping some of you can relate! Hint! Hint! thesupergreat, maybe?)! It's a time-ticking coundown of 1000 awesome things, and it is...how else can I put this?...AWESOME!! Filled with heartwarming, nostalgic, random, hysterical and amazing tidbits of life...It will light up your day!!! Here are some of my favorites so far:

#246: When you're looking for the friend you lost at the grocery store and suddenly spot them at the end of the aisle after running all over the place

#249: Putting a slice of lasagna on a plate and having it all stay together

#260: People who look like their pets

#291: Forgetting you ordered something online and then having it randomly show up

But seriously, they are all awesome!

Bargain Hunter's Dance

Sigh....If only the sale rack weren't so embarrassingly hard to get to!!!

You walk into a store...and you are immediately greeted by regularly priced items: "Hello, don't you want to buy me?" "I know I'm expensive, but can you really put a price on being this fabulous?" Off in the distance, a sale rack awaits you....You feel it's gravitational pull, but you can't walk straight back there. That's in poor taste! And you don't want to look like you can't or wouldn't pay full price. The Bargain Hunter's Dance begins...

You slowly pause at some fabulously overpriced cardigans near the store's entrance, giving a nod of approval. Good, now you can walk a few steps closer to that rack of dreams. Mmmm bracelets, those are pretty, but you would NEVER pay THAT for THOSE. No, no. Not when you know there'll be bracelets on the sale rack at half the price..and just as gorgeous! Ok, now you can move even closer to the back without looking suspicious..They'll never know what you're up to...So smooth! Only a few racks of regularly priced goods stand in your way. A little more fake browsing for you and then it's PERFECTLY reasonable to attack that sale rack!

And finally, the moment you've been waiting for...HELLO SALE RACK! Hello savings beyond your wildest imagination! Just a month or two ago you would have paid so much more for the exact same thing. And now your patience and dedication to a good deal has paid off!

You are going to look stunning in that dress and you can put the money you've saved towards an amazing meal. Mazel tov!

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-A Random Collection of Thoughts

That was the only time in my life I ever stole! I swear! (And also the only time I've ever said "Hello, How are you? I'm fine, aren't we all?". I guess I was feeling a little on edge about the whole fake Peace Plan thingy). Have a great weekend, everyone! I'll be in Chicago, hope you are up to something fun as well!

Laundry Day!

Ok, so it's been a week or two (or three! who am I kidding?) since you last did laundry...and a voice calls out to you from inside your hamper: "Wash me! You're nearing your last pair of clean underwear. Don't wait until it's too late!! Take action now! Remember that adorable shirt you haven't seen in weeks? It is being held hostage at the bottom of your hamper! Wouldn't you like some freshly washed sheets and a fluffy white towel for after your shower? WASH ME! NOW!!!!!"

In the old days, I would put off doing laundry for as long as possible. It was all too much of an ordeal. Where would I get all the quarters (Impossible to find them when you need them)? How would I drag that ridiculously heavy bag of dirty clothes down the street (I never seem to have laundry in my building)? Why hadn't I been given the gift of being able to fold (my friend Abby is the most skilled folder I know! She even knows how to fold fitted sheets perfectly....God I envy her!)?

And then...I did it. I gave in. I decided to give Wash and Fold a try. That's right, Wash and Fold: a revolutionary concept in laundry. You pay someone, and then they do your laundry for you.... Quicker than you can say "Are you done with that dryer?"! In the end, you are left with a bag of perfectly folded, clean clothes...and it's practically the same price as doing it yourself!

BEST THING EVER INVENTED!

Last year, I stooped to a new level of lazy: I started having the laundromat pick up and deliver the Wash and Fold to/from my apartment. Life has never been this good!! THANK YOU WASH AND FOLD!!

Love This Pic

Photo by Lisa Rayman Goldfarb

That's my niece Siena! Isn't she gorgeous? What? Oh you thought I meant the peacock was my niece? That's hysterical! No, see..Up in the top left corner, that's my adorable niece. She's the best! I seriously can't stop looking at this pic, so mesmerizing...


UPDATE: OMG i had no idea about this runaway peacock from the Bronx Zoo when I put up this post!  Thanks for the heads up, Liz! 

If You're Going to Leave a Voicemail...

Dramatization, dialogue has been changed to protect the innocent (me)

Sam,
I think you're a lovely, charming person. I really do. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER, I repeat EVER, call a guy without a completely scripted voicemail message. You were never good at improv on the stage, and are especially bad at it when attempting to leave a laid back, confident voicemail for some guy you've never met. You will say things you can never take back. You will stutter. You might repeat the same sentence twice (even though you're only saying about 4 sentences total)...You will be lucky if you make any sense at all. And you will most likely inspire him to never call you again. 

BE PREPARED! Don't leave these things up to chance! Do you think the writers of any hit TV shows leave their scripts up to chance? NO WAY! Not even REALITY TV is left up to chance, SAM! 

In fact, if at all possible you should avoid the phone all together. Email is a much better venue for you. You have a way with words, you really do.

Anyway, I wish you all the best! Good luck, and let me know how it all goes!

Sincerely,
Sam

P.S. Remember this?  Did anyone ever actually use that? The "Rap" is definitely my favorite although I found the "scary" one to be quite frightful.

Netflix Purgatory

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me: I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel with my Netflix queue, I've almost completely run out of ideas, and I finally decide on a movie that I'm not too excited about. The disc comes in the mail. The initial excitement at seeing that red envelope in my mailbox quickly fades once I remember what movie it is. And then it happens....The movie just sits on my shelf for days, weeks...I watch as the $9.99 monthly fee drains furiously from my bank account without any movies being watched. Should I watch it? I've already wasted so many days. And then to send it back without ever having seen it? OY! But if I wait until I actually want to watch it, months could pass by. Just send it back, Sam. Give up! Admit you made a mistake. You'll pick better next time! Nobody's perfect. I bet a bunch of amazing movies are just about to be released on DVD and then all your problems will be solved!

(By the way, the movie that's sitting on my shelf now is "Transamerica". Let me know if you think it's worth a watch!)

Reasons I Loved NY This Week-Vol. 3

-Saturday night at the Brooklyneer, my favorite new bar in the city: Now there's really no reason to leave Manhattan! My friends Brock and Nikolai (and their friends Carson and Howard) always pick the most awesome songs (new ones, and also the ones you always loved but completely forgot about). I'm not going to lie, there was dancing. My friend Sarah showed me some moves I didn't know were possible (especially out in public!). The night was a little bit magical!

-Cheap manicure/pedicure. $21! Hands and feet simultaneously...Felt like such a diva....And loved every second of it!

-NYC Downtown Short Film Festival- Finally got to see my friend Emi's short movie "The Retreat". Awesome! Also discovered this adorable short film about a cat (and who doesn't love cats? They are all the rage right now!!) by an Aussie filmmaker.

-Borscht at Veselka-A NY institution! Your life will never be the same again, once you know something so amazing exists within a 15 minute walk from you.

-Sitting solo in the sun at Shake Shack when a random stranger came up and asked to sit at my table (There was limited seating elsewhere). I kept my music on and continued to stare into the sun. He ate his deliciously scrumptious Shack Burger. It was more awkward than any dates I've been on so far this year!

Fifth Grade Journal Friday-How Not To Spell Bacon

Wow, lots to address here! I can see from reading this entry that I've changed a lot since 1991. Here's how:

1991: Leave it to the Jew to incorrectly spell it "bakin"! 

Now: Little did I know, later in life I would become an expert on all pork products. And by expert, I mean I am extremely skilled at stuffing my face with them!

1991: I am impressed with the number of times I used some form of "tape" in that second paragraph. "I finished taping the tape I was taping yesterday". Still hadn't perfected my gift of the written word.
Now: Hello, professional blogger and editor!

1991: Sad to see I was so down on myself about boys. If only I had known I was just about to fall in love with Travis, the man of my dreams.
Now: Feeling slightly more hopeful about things...But only because I know I have this guy to fall back on!

Yelling Out at the Movies Is Bad

Laughing at the movies is good. Belly laughs and guffaws are great too! If the movie is sad, by all means shed some tears. Those are quiet enough! But please, I beg you PLEASE, do NOT yell out at the movies. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen one too many times in NY theaters. In fact, Loews Kips Bay is on my "no-watch" list, because every single time I go there (and thankfully it's only been twice), multiple people yell out at the screen:

"Watch out for that guy!"
"OH MY GOD!"
"He's a killer!"

Seriously, have you no inner voice? SAY IT IN YOUR HEAD! Must you yell out every single thought and feeling? When did this become acceptable?

Last Monday on my day off of work, I went to see "Water for Elephants", and there were only three other people in the theater. I thought I was in the clear. Until Blondie McYellerson decided to react OUT LOUD to every dramatic moment in the film (and even the not so dramatic moments). OY!

And don't even get me started on the people who let their phones ring during a movie (and the people that actually ANSWER the call (and have a full on conversation))!

It's all too much, I should really use Netflix more...

Confucius Says: Ay Carumba!

It's always exciting when you notice a new restaurant that's opened in your hood! I spotted this one on my walk home from work yesterday and all I have to say is "HUH?". After a quick glance inside, one would conclude the place is full-on Chinese. But I did a little digging on menupages, and the menu is 100% Mexican! Only a few references to Chinese Tex Mex (?) in some reviews. This reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb: "Once bitten by a snake, you are even frightened by a rope that resembles a snake" which is about as relevant to this situation as the name of this restaurant is to its food!

I Want My Money Back!

Wow, if last week's experience didn't convince me to fully ween myself off of LivingSocial.com, I don't know what will! A few weeks back, I bought a massage deal at a Health Center with a Zen-like name. It included an hour long massage and a wellness consultation. Sounds nice right?

WRONG! The Center was not at all what I imagined it would be. There were no Zen sand gardens or Buddha fountains. When Dr. Charming McConvincerson examined my posture, he pretty much told me it was a miracle I could hold my head up at all (apparently, the angle of my spine is causing my head to feel like it weighs 37.6 lb!) and possibly the only way I could save myself is to buy a whole lotta (most likely pricey) sessions at his center. Thank god I found him in time, before it was too late! Instead of feeling relaxed and renewed, I left there feeling like a hunchback ogre with no hope of walking upright for much longer. Take a look at my "Posture Screen" below. Can you believe I go out in public with all that misalignment?

After a desperate consultation with a reliable doctor, I was reassured and consoled. There is a small possibility I am just fine as is, and this might just be a money making scheme that I got roped into. Thanks a LOT, LivingSocial.com. The next time I get an annoying chain letter in the mail, I'll be sure to send it to you!

Sam or Zombie Demon? You decide! I dream of one day having the "Ideal Posture Body Balance"!

Public Speaking Isn't As Bad As I Thought...

Well today I faced my fear of public speaking (I'm talking major case of dry mouth, heart palpitations, mind going completely blank) and said a few words at the BadDateGreatStory.com reading. It was actually so fun! People laughed! I was pleasantly surprised! It was so amazing to look out into the audience and see the smiling faces of so many people I love and care about. THANK YOU THANK YOU to (in no particular order because you are all equally awesome!): Sarah, Lisi, Alexis, Brian, Mariam, Fernando, Dina, Brock, Juliet, Gemma, Jen, Karen, Diana. It was 70 degrees and sunny out, and you chose to spend you day with me. It meant so much to me! 

And thank you to Emi and Jessie for organizing such an awesome event and letting me be a part of it. Stand-up is fun! Maybe I'll do it again? Watch out Kathy Griffin! People already tell me I sound like you, maybe I can follow in your footsteps of being rich for being funny too? One can dream!